I'm still here

Things are never clear or obvious, but as you can tell, I took a break from the blog for quite some time. In retrospect, the hiatus was building for a long time. I probably should have stopped sooner, and left some of my dirty laundry hidden. I went through a period of rigidity with my eating and exercise habits that was on the extreme side of healthy, as in, not so healthy. Then after my work conference in Las Vegas I let myself swing in the opposite direction. I have learned quite a bit about myself in almost thirty years, and even more so during this recent period of upheaval.

Last bits of debauchery

I am really good at latching on to something and doing it to the fullest. I am good at making myself do things that I perceive as being the right thing to do, even when they aren’t fun or comfortable. For the last few months I’ve been going out almost every night, drinking more alcohol than normal, not paying as much attention to what I eat and forcing myself to run on very little sleep in order to get in a workout. I’ve noticed my workouts aren’t doing much, and feel more difficult than they should.

This weekend my roommate and I went to Key Largo for a snorkeling trip, and I mentally marked it as my last hurrah before getting back to what feels right for me. I am working now on finding that balance between extremes. It’s been great to spend so much time busy and meeting people, and I’d like to continue that but at a less frenetic pace. I’m going to cut out the alcohol again. I can see the immediate impact it has on my physical form, and I can find better ways to alter my mood (i.e. good friends, music, moving my body, laughter, etc.).

I am learning to treat physical activities other than cycling/running and lifting weights as good enough exercise. I’m trying to do more outdoor things and have been kayaking three times since I got back from Vegas. I joined a softball team. I’ve never played before but I think it will be a good way to be active and social at the same time. I’m not officially on the team, but they’re letting me hang out and learn the game which is good enough for now.

I developed some new eating habits that I need to curtail, like adding granola to every smoothie instead of just the ones I make after long endurance workouts. I’ve been snacking a lot more, and on foods that aren’t the best choice. I’ve been eating out almost every night, and that’s probably the most radical deviation from my norm. I have my dog for the next two weeks, so it works out well to start cooking at home again regularly.

I don’t know what will happen with this blog. I like the idea of sharing my story and struggles, so I’d like to keep it up. I am doing  a lot of good poetry writing and might have some big work changes on the horizon so no promises, but know that I am still out here doing my best to live a healthy and fun life.

Embracing New Passions

I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about health and wellness, and that discussion is primarily based on nutrition and moving your body. Often those choices influence our state of mind, but I don't know that I've adequately addressed the importance of taking care of your mind and spirit when you aim to be the best version of yourself.

I am not a religious person, I find my connection with the Earth and nature to be the most soul satisfying and I nurture that by spending time outdoors. I flirt with meditation and can unequivocally state that it's a wonderful practice to heal the mind, body, and soul. Lately, especially with the nagging foot injury and more free time as a single person, I've been obsessed with expressing myself through poetry.

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about writing, but now I finally feel comfortable to share a poem on here. Thanks to all of you who choose to read it.

Sea

Coconut scented sunscreen
sprayed liberally on pale skin.

Soft sand supports the
weight of my supine spine.

Steady winds dance across my skin,
tempering the heat of the sun.

Roaring ocean fills my ears,
broken only by giddy screams
of children at play.

Solitude hurts less at the sea.

Rocks in a River

When I was in my deepest depth of despair over the end of my eleven year relationship (coupled with not being able to run and having health issues) I was listening to/reading/seeing the message that adversity fuels success in various media. At the time I made a note of it but continued feeling sad and not really believing that it could be true. Now that I’ve had time to process and heal, I can see this coming true in my life.

I’ve always harbored a secret passion for writing and desire to be an author. I was never sure of what, but I knew that writing felt good and fulfilling. As I’ve written more on this blog and my work blog I’ve received amazing feedback from colleagues, friends, family, and internet strangers. I wrote poetry occasionally in my youth, and when I was grieving my loss I started writing poetry again. The first few poems I wrote were full of sadness, and they have evolved as I have moved through my healing journey.

Now that they’ve started coming, they won’t stop. I find myself getting struck by a word or a turn of phrase several times each day. I make note of them or stop and write a poem when they come. I read “The War of Art” by Steven Pressfield this morning (yes, just in this morning. It’s a short book and I read while I cycle at the gym). I’d heard a lot of laudatory praise about it and I thought it was great if not quite as impressive as I’d expected.

After reading the book I’m convinced that I need to continue to pursue writing and make it a daily effort. I need to embrace the muse that is visiting me daily, thank her, and do the best work I can. I don’t know that I would have been able to do this without experiencing a great loss, and without being forced to spend time with myself. I feel like I’m discovering new parts of myself and have had the freedom to visit some old parts that had been hidden.

New me, new shirt. It says let your dreams set sail.

I’m starting to honor myself and treat myself to new experiences. I am putting myself in new situations and embracing the inherent awkwardness. I am still struck by sadness every now and then, but this week I’ve felt happier than I have in years. I started a blog with my poetry and photography. I hope to fill it with more writing and art.

The point of this post is to say that we never know where our lives will take us. We are like rocks in a river. We may get stuck in place for months or years, but new experiences will keep moving us along. We’ll retain our integrity but may change shape. We can’t go back to the past or know what the future holds, but we can embrace where we are on our journey.

Namaste

I was looking for a word that could express my deep gratitude and sense of awe at the love I've gotten from the readers of this blog and from the places that have shared my story. Namaste is a Sanskrit word that means bowing to you. I think that's appropriate here. I decided to collect all of these stories in one place because they all give a slightly different perspective on my journey.

Huffington Post

Fit Sugar

The Weigh We Were

Fitness Motivation Podcast

Indice (in Spanish)

If you are a new or old reader I'd love to hear from you. Comments go directly to my email or you can find me on Twitter and Instagram.

Namaste to you <3

Fat Carrie and the 175 Pound Ghost

For some reason Fat Carrie has been making quite a few appearances lately. In this case when I use Fat Carrie I'm referring to my debit card. It has a photo of me from the day I opened the account sometime in the summer of 2005. I probably weighed close to my heaviest then. It's a small photo, but it's easy to mistake it for a totally different person. I usually carry it with me in social situations, so it's my go to when people hear about my weight loss and want to see proof.

Fat (& happy) Carrie

When I pay with that card I say/think "Fat Carrie's got this!". My bank won't issue a new photo, and it used to bother me. Now I've embraced it, and I find it humorous. We have to be able to move on from our past, and now I like having a reminder of my success in my pocket or purse all the time. Most of the time I don't think about the weight loss, but other times feel like there's a 175 pound ghost lingering with me in the background.

My instinct is to avoid narrow passageways and clothes shopping as vestiges of this former self. When I catch myself doing it I usually laugh it off, but there are times when it feels deeply unsettling. There's always a fear that I could get there again, and I think that worry fuels my motivation and willpower. Some more concrete vestiges of this past include my ceaseless appetite and the physical markers of significant weight loss like stretch marks and saggy skin. I've learned to work on and work with these limitations.
I always carry food and try to eat every few hours. I can't operate successfully when I'm hungry, and as stated above that is something I can't avoid. I started and continue to lift weights to slowly chip away at the skin that hangs from my arms and stomach, and to shrink my thighs to a point where the muscle can peek out. I am a work in progress and I don't always love myself, but I feel satisfied knowing that I'm doing what I can.

I read recently about a test that was developed at Harvard to measure implicit preferences. You can choose to measure your preferences (realistically, your biases) on topics like age, gender, race, disabilities, religion and weight. I wanted to try it out, so I took the test about weight. The essence of the test is that you're shown photos and words. You have to press a key on the keyboard to associate all the fat/skinny photos with a certain letter, and all the good/bad words with a certain letter. There are several rounds, and later in the test you are shown a mix of images and words. You have to associate the good word key with skinny images and then switch.

Here were the results:

I had no implicit bias toward weight, and fell into the "Little to no automatic preference..." category, which represents only 19% of test takers. I think this is because of my unique experience of having been clearly obese followed by my current reality where people refer to me as skinny/thin without being prompted. It's hard even as a former fat girl to not place judgment on overweight people and to assume qualities of their character based on their external experience. I hope that as we realize how entrenched the societal factors that contribute to weight gain are, society will be more willing to assign blame to them and less to the individuals who are prone to weight gain.

This post isn't one of my more focused or helpful, but there are times I need to express myself honestly on topics that I cogitate on frequently. Thank you for staying with me if you're still here, and you can look forward to food photos tomorrow!

The Anti-Highlight Reel

I don’t want this blog to devolve into a glorified photo album of food that I eat but I am currently in the midst of several personal crises that are making it difficult to find the motivation to author creative and inspiring posts. I don’t feel inspirational right now, in fact, I feel myself devolving on a lot of the habits and mindsets I've discussed here.

I read the book “The Hinge” by Rob Bell recently (not worth it so no link!). The one thing I got out of it was this great quote by Steve Furtick that says “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” I've always been honest on this blog, but definitely focus on the highlights of my life and my journey. Right now I feel like I’m living in deleted scenes, on the anti-highlight reel.

If you've been following you know that my partner of 11 ½ years and I are splitting up, and she is moving 2 hours away tomorrow. You also know that I’m making the rounds of several doctors to try to figure out why I have abnormal blood cell counts and some other minor but troubling symptoms and to try to heal a foot with bruised bones. The relationship ending has been slowly devastating. The medical issues are disheartening because I feel like I treat my body better than almost anyone I know and it’s decided to betray me.

Running became my biggest stress relief and I haven’t had it in my life since February, and won’t get back to it for a few more weeks. I've stopped meditating and journaling. Both of those activities have felt like a chore or a battle and I can’t feel any positive effects. My thinking about food and health is starting to skew to an unhealthy place where I’m worrying about calorie counts and macronutrients and making sure I workout almost every day no matter how I feel.

I am aware of the destructive thoughts and have done a fairly good job of limiting their impact on my life, but I feel like I am at the top of a precipice and worry that Carly leaving this weekend will push me over. I have a lot of great, supportive people in my life but 95% of them live in another state.

In summary: shit’s getting tough. 

I am trying to cling to silver linings and focus on the small wins. I am trying to forgive myself. I am trying to let myself feel, be, and do without judging. I am trying to hang on.

Thank you for sticking with me. I still believe that food is medicine, that being active is the best way to be, and that daily habits make life easier. I’m struggling with implementation right now, but I have to allow myself to stumble in this challenging time.