I read the book “The Hinge” by Rob Bell recently (not worth it so no link!). The one thing I got out of it was this great quote by Steve Furtick that says “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” I've always been honest on this blog, but definitely focus on the highlights of my life and my journey. Right now I feel like I’m living in deleted scenes, on the anti-highlight reel.
If you've been following you know that my partner of 11 ½ years and I are splitting up, and she is moving 2 hours away tomorrow. You also know that I’m making the rounds of several doctors to try to figure out why I have abnormal blood cell counts and some other minor but troubling symptoms and to try to heal a foot with bruised bones. The relationship ending has been slowly devastating. The medical issues are disheartening because I feel like I treat my body better than almost anyone I know and it’s decided to betray me.
Running became my biggest stress relief and I haven’t had it in my life since February, and won’t get back to it for a few more weeks. I've stopped meditating and journaling. Both of those activities have felt like a chore or a battle and I can’t feel any positive effects. My thinking about food and health is starting to skew to an unhealthy place where I’m worrying about calorie counts and macronutrients and making sure I workout almost every day no matter how I feel.
I am aware of the destructive thoughts and have done a fairly good job of limiting their impact on my life, but I feel like I am at the top of a precipice and worry that Carly leaving this weekend will push me over. I have a lot of great, supportive people in my life but 95% of them live in another state.
In summary: shit’s getting tough.
I am trying to cling to silver linings and focus on the small wins. I am trying to forgive myself. I am trying to let myself feel, be, and do without judging. I am trying to hang on.
Thank you for sticking with me. I still believe that food is medicine, that being active is the best way to be, and that daily habits make life easier. I’m struggling with implementation right now, but I have to allow myself to stumble in this challenging time.