Friday, April 25, 2014

The Anti-Highlight Reel

I don’t want this blog to devolve into a glorified photo album of food that I eat but I am currently in the midst of several personal crises that are making it difficult to find the motivation to author creative and inspiring posts. I don’t feel inspirational right now, in fact, I feel myself devolving on a lot of the habits and mindsets I've discussed here.

I read the book “The Hinge” by Rob Bell recently (not worth it so no link!). The one thing I got out of it was this great quote by Steve Furtick that says “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” I've always been honest on this blog, but definitely focus on the highlights of my life and my journey. Right now I feel like I’m living in deleted scenes, on the anti-highlight reel.

If you've been following you know that my partner of 11 ½ years and I are splitting up, and she is moving 2 hours away tomorrow. You also know that I’m making the rounds of several doctors to try to figure out why I have abnormal blood cell counts and some other minor but troubling symptoms and to try to heal a foot with bruised bones. The relationship ending has been slowly devastating. The medical issues are disheartening because I feel like I treat my body better than almost anyone I know and it’s decided to betray me.

Running became my biggest stress relief and I haven’t had it in my life since February, and won’t get back to it for a few more weeks. I've stopped meditating and journaling. Both of those activities have felt like a chore or a battle and I can’t feel any positive effects. My thinking about food and health is starting to skew to an unhealthy place where I’m worrying about calorie counts and macronutrients and making sure I workout almost every day no matter how I feel.

I am aware of the destructive thoughts and have done a fairly good job of limiting their impact on my life, but I feel like I am at the top of a precipice and worry that Carly leaving this weekend will push me over. I have a lot of great, supportive people in my life but 95% of them live in another state.

In summary: shit’s getting tough. 

I am trying to cling to silver linings and focus on the small wins. I am trying to forgive myself. I am trying to let myself feel, be, and do without judging. I am trying to hang on.

Thank you for sticking with me. I still believe that food is medicine, that being active is the best way to be, and that daily habits make life easier. I’m struggling with implementation right now, but I have to allow myself to stumble in this challenging time.

6 comments:

  1. Carrie, you have all the hugs and good thoughts I can send to you right now. Don't beat yourself up if you slip on food choices or decisions in the next couple of weeks, you are entitled to do it. Wait, you said that already :o). You are an awesome foodie, athlete and librarian, we are all here to support you and in two weeks the most awesome person in the world will be with you too. Your mom that is, not me.

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  2. Carrie, my heart goes out to you for all that you are experiencing right now. Allow yourself time to hang out in those deleted scenes. It's ok.
    I live in Albany NY, so if you come up this way, let me know. I can take you to some awesome vegan places. My email is goldmancafe@gmail.com.
    Take care of yourself,
    Liz

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    1. Liz,

      Thank you for your kind words. I will be in Albany in June and would love to meet you for vegan food! I wasn't veg when I lived there so I don't know the good spots :)

      Carrie

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    2. That will be great! You have my email. When I hear from you, I'll send you my phone number.
      Take good care of yourself!
      Liz

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  3. Just found your blog (on Huffpost).

    I don't feel it appropriate for me to comment on your current challenges other than to say I hope everything works out for you.

    I just checked out the past few food posts and they look freaking awesome.

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    1. Thank you! I am thinking a focus on the food might be a good distraction for now. I hope you'll keep reading :)

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